Rare are the parents who never lost it and yelled at their child. Also rare: a parent who hasn’t regretted yelling at their child afterwards.
“All parents know that yelling is not the best way to do things,” says Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, parenting coach and mother of two. Fortune. “Parents usually feel sorry after yelling.”
That’s normal, she says, but it’s not worth harping on because beating yourself up about it won’t help the situation.
“It only works if you have compassion for yourself, because if you beat yourself up, then can’t actually do better. It just makes you feel worse about yourself and makes you more likely to scream,” she says. “Every parent will lose it at some point and start yelling at their kids. That’s not the end of the world. That just comes with the territory of being human.”
It’s when you continue to shout, despite it being ineffective and potentially harmful, that problems can arise, she says.
Here, experts weigh in on the three pillars of parenting without raising your voice.
“There is research showing that the effects of yelling can be worse than hitting children,” says adolescent psychologist Barbara Greenberg, citing a study of high school students at the University of Pittsburgh that also found that maternal verbal aggression was linked was brought with social problems. and a negative self-image. “It is really experienced as emotional abuse.”
Another study found that in adolescents who experienced harsh verbal discipline from a parent – including yelling, screaming and verbal humiliation – it was linked to behavioral problems and depressive symptoms.
“Children form internal scripts that run through their heads over and over again throughout their lives,” says Greenberg, emphasizing how negative being yelled at can be. “I don’t think parents always realize how important their words are.”
Furthermore, says Markham, author of Peaceful parents, happy children, Yelling is not effective parenting in the long run. “We know that yelling at kids right now is absolutely effective, so yes, we’ll give that to parents as well,” she says. “But it works through fear.” And while it may get kids out of the house on time, it doesn’t help them develop their prefrontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for attention, inhibition, complex learning and emotion – so they can learn to do things for themselves. to arrange. .
“The moment we raise our voices and shout at our children, they may comply, but it all has unwanted side effects,” she says. One is that it makes you, the parent, ‘not a safe person’. And your child, she says, “don’t forget that,” whether they want to come to you in the middle of the night after a bad dream or tell you about a bully at school.
Children whose parents don’t shout do better in every way, according to the study: they feel closer to their parents, are more willing to open up to them and behave better, Markham says. Meanwhile, she adds, “Children whose parents yell are more likely to be anxious or depressed by the time they are teenagers,” she says. “So that’s just the motivation to help parents who are struggling with this because it’s a very difficult thing to tackle.”
Greenberg says, “It’s up to parents to pause and think about what’s going on, even if you have to leave the room to regroup.” Taking that break—think of it as a parent timeout—is beneficial for both you and your child, she says, because “you’ll be less active and less excited,” while it gives your child a minute to to calm down. , at.
But what if, like many parents Markham has worked with, you don’t even notice you’re yelling?
“You will find yourself screaming at some point,” she promises. “You’ll see your kids looking at you with a look of shock… and you’ll realize, ‘Oh, my God, I’m scaring them.’ Most parents will feel a sense of shame at that moment. And then they’ll shout even louder – ‘Well, they weren’t listening’ – and then shout some more.”
But instead, it’s important to stop at that moment—even if you’re afraid you’ll “lose face,” she says, explaining that what you’ll actually be doing is “modeling self-regulation,” which is a is an excellent skill. pass it on to your child.
“As soon as you feel yourself screaming, take a deep breath. You can’t apologize at that moment… but you can shut up and turn away. Take a deep breath. Shake out your hands, splash some water on your face,” she says, explaining that by changing your response in these ways, you’re signaling your body that it doesn’t need to stay in fight-or-flight mode . .
“You breathe and you notice what you feel. What you feel at that moment is anger, but anger always hides the same threat: failure as a parent – whether that is because you did not get your child out the door on time or because you also let him stay online. long.
“And once you allow yourself to feel those feelings, you no longer need the anger as a defense against them,” she says, emphasizing that it’s all about choosing to make the energy shift in that moment. “Imagine the calmer, wiser parent within you. Some parents say, “I choose love over fear”… or you can imagine that there is an angel sitting on your shoulder who is your wisest self, and who wants the best for everyone in the situation. That parent reminds you that your child is just a child. They’re not trying to make your life harder.”
After you’ve calmed your nervous system, Markham says, it’s time to connect with your child — by apologizing for raising your voice. “You just go in and do the repairs,” she says, calmly adding, “But I’m serious, we gotta go now.’”
And in case you’re worried that your child won’t learn a lesson, she says, “If your children have an agitated nervous system, they won’t learn well… so you need to get back to safety and connection before you can teach them anything.” something.” In fact, Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child found that exposure to conditions that provoke persistent fear and anxiety (like screaming, for example) can even interfere with the way children learn and develop in the long term.
So once you’ve calmed down, maybe after that dentist appointment you were afraid you’d miss, “you say, ‘Wow, that didn’t feel good being ten minutes late.’ They were quite angry with us because it ruined everything in the dental office… I was embarrassed to be 10 minutes late. I wonder what we can do next time so that doesn’t happen?” Markham suggests. ‘They must have ideas. And then you teach, because you are in the right place with them.”
