Curious Kids is a series for children of all ages. If you have a question that you would like an expert to answer, please send it to Curiouskidsus@theconversation.com.
Why do my parents always act like they know best? – Taliyah, age 12, Gwinnett, Georgia
No one likes to be the boss, but your parents’ bossiness is probably well-intentioned.
As a psychologist who studies family relationships, I can tell you that the most important job of parents is to keep their children safe. When a child becomes a teenager, his world becomes more dangerous. Relationships with friends can become complicated and even toxic. Drugs and alcohol become more easily available and more tempting. Mental health can take a nosedive, and social media isn’t helping.
There are a number of reasons why these risks increase as you get older, but peer pressure is mainly to blame.
To protect their teens from these dangers, parents have many strategies. They can discipline their children – “You are grounded!” – or challenge them to do better with statements like: “When I was your age, I didn’t act like that.” Or they may reprimand you: “I’m really disappointed in you.”
If your parents have ever acted this way towards you, it’s probably about your safety. Most parents understand the dangers you face. They may have experienced them personally and want you to avoid the same mistakes they made. If your parents’ guidance keeps you from harm, I’d say they really know what’s best.
Your brain is still developing
Okay, I got that out of the way. Are you still reading? I hope so, because this next part is more interesting and nuanced, and it’s about you and your brain.
At this time, your brain is undergoing remarkable growth. From around age 10, there is a flurry of activity in what are called the subcortical areas of your brain – a scientific term for the inner core of the brain. These parts of the brain are associated with emotions such as anger, fear and defensiveness.
Do you experience these emotions quite regularly these days? If so, congratulations! You are 100% normal.
As you get older, the outer regions of your brain will also become more developed. The last part to mature is just behind your forehead, in an area called the prefrontal cortex. That area is associated with the ability to understand how someone else is feeling and to put yourself in their shoes.
Experts who study brain development call this skill “perspective taking.” It means that when you are reprimanded for breaking the rules (for example, by staying out too late), you do not lash out defensively. Instead, recognize that the person giving the reprimand is worried or afraid, or is simply paying attention to you.
Seeing life from a different perspective
For adults, this perspective-taking can be very difficult. Unfortunately, it is even more difficult for teenagers. That’s because your prefrontal cortex simply hasn’t finished developing yet; it will not be fully functional until around age 25.
Your teenage brain currently allows you to do many incredible things, but you are biologically inclined to see life from your own perspective and have difficulty understanding why other people behave the way they do.
In other words, your perception of your parents as bossy is based on the capabilities of your not yet fully developed brain. What has now fully developed is the part of your brain that is associated with those big emotions. That’s a difficult combination.
A final note: You might think that your parents “always act like they know what’s best,” but from my parenting research, it’s clear that they’re often unsure of how to handle certain situations. More than 40% of parents in my last study shared self-critical thoughts about how they are doing as a parent. In other words: they are having a hard time too.
If you can, give your parents a break – and maybe even a hug.
Hello, curious children! Do you have a question that you would like an expert to answer? Ask an adult to send your question to CuriousKidsUS@theconversation.com. Tell us your name, age and the city where you live.
And since curiosity knows no age limit – adults, let us know what you’re wondering too. We won’t be able to answer all questions, but we will do our best.
This article is republished from The Conversation, an independent nonprofit organization providing facts and trusted analysis to help you understand our complex world. It was written by: Annie Pezalla, Macalester College
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Annie Pezalla does not work for, consult with, own shares in, or receive funding from any company or organization that would benefit from this article, and has disclosed no relevant affiliations beyond their academic appointment.
