- My teenage son got his driver’s license.
- I refuse to track him down because I know it will make me even more worried.
- I trust my son and want to give him the freedom he deserves.
My son just got his driver’s license and is loving his newfound freedom. Even though he goes to the same places as always – school, lunch and grocery shopping – he is much happier driving than me doing it.
Are older brother was the same. It didn’t matter to any of my boys where they went. It was important that they could get there on their own – without their parents.
When my oldest got his driver’s licenseI heard that some of his friends’ parents had installed apps so they could track their children, but I refused to follow suit.
I understand why people follow their children
Most people their children follow for two reasons: to ensure their safety or to ensure they go where they said they were.
I understand both ideas. I am a whole anxious parentand it doesn’t take long before I can imagine all kinds of horrible situations my children could find themselves in.
It’s honestly terrifying for me to even let them go anywhere. Let them fly a 4,000 pound piece of metal across a busy highway? If I think about it too long, I’ll lock everyone in my house forever.
But I’m sure that A tracking app won’t solve my problem.
Tracking has only made my anxiety worse
This generation of children and teenagers has grown up in a world that is much more controlled than I was. My parents I get two or three report cards a year from me, while I can check my children’s grades and get daily – sometimes hourly – updates on their school behavior. I did that for a while. But I found that following it affected us all – and not in a good way.
When I logged into the apps and websites they monitored, I started checking for updates constantly. A nice note from a teacher at 10am put me in a good mood. A negative update half an hour later sent me plummeting. I checked grades daily and questioned kids about missing assignments or low scores.
Ultimately, I had to back off, delete the apps from my phone, and work out a plan to visit these sites less often with my kids. Afterwards we were all much happier and less stressed. Surprisingly, his behavior and numbers improved when the kids knew they wouldn’t be cross-examined about every little thing.
I can see myself becoming just as attached to a tracking app. I would pay attention to my phone when my teenager is in the car. I won’t relax until they reach their destination. If they get stuck in traffic, I assume they’re being pulled over because they crashed. If they want to grab food along the way, I wonder why they deviated from the agreed route. I will worry and assume the worst case scenario every time.
Strangely enough, it’s less stressful to send them away and tell them to call when they get there than it is to monitor their every move in the car.
Giving children some freedom is part of growing up
As for checking where they go, so far my kids haven’t given me any reason to think they’re lying about things. It doesn’t seem fair to distrust them.
Just like building trust, teaching independence is something we start when our children are small. We could have them walk in front of us on the way to school, building up to having them walk with friends and eventually alone. We start homework by sitting down with them to help and hopefully make the transition to those who will manage it independently.
I don’t think there is anything like the freedom that teenagers feel when they get their driver’s license. It’s good for them. It is the next step in learning to be an adult. They don’t need me hanging over their shoulder and watching their every move.
I’m not saying I have no idea where my kids are when they’re driving. We discuss their plans. When my son comes over for dinner after a school event, he texts to let me know. I’ll call when he’s here driving through the city to ensure he arrives safely. But that extra step feels like we’re communicating and respecting each other, instead of me secretly checking it on my phone.
It is not easy for me to see these teenagers, who yesterday seemed like little babies, getting behind the wheel of a car. But it’s another way they grow up; I’m trying to grow up and also let go.
