My grandfather, Marvin, was big, gruff and tough. But he also loved an old man who could be very playful. He used to sit in a giant lounge chair in the middle of his living room. He looked at me like a boy and said, “If you mess with me, you get this.” And proceeded to bend both arms.
Then he raised one fist and said, “Seven days in the hospital.” Then he raised his other fist and said, “Death.” Which made me laugh. It didn’t matter that his jokes were so sharp. The most important thing was that he was actually there.
My mother’s family involvement was much greater than my father’s, spending entire summers with my grandparents and seeing my only uncle several times a year. This maternal bias was not malicious, but it is common and includes what many of you have experienced, especially if you live in the US or Europe (although it is a little less pronounced in Europe).
The matrilineal advantage is not often written about. So what is it that drives these connections? And is it problematic? It turns out that a solution could involve paternity leave.
Examining the data
Sociologist Dr. Christopher G. Tran, of Florida State University, has conducted a study on matrilineal ties in families and has consistently found closer ties between children and mothers and grandparents. Part of this is explained by women’s more widespread kinship maintenance activities – meaning they tend to be more proactive in maintaining these family ties. They’re planning more dinners and brunches with family, and special gatherings. They are more likely to remember birthdays and send cards and messages to extended family. These small gestures play a big role in fostering kinship.
But this also applies to home activities. Even if the woman earns more than her husband, she is more likely to do more home care activities, especially when it comes to children. And even if she doesn’t earn more, male benefits in the workplace often mean her mother’s side gets a family advantage.
That’s a shame if you are a paternal grandparent and want more time with the grandchildren. No, this is not a competition. And it is not my goal to sow discontent and argue with the extended family, but this should serve as a reminder to some that more can be done.
If anything, it is a reminder to us men that we may need to take a more active role in nurturing kin, by introducing our family to our children and allowing them to learn about our heritage, our upbringing and our values. Unfortunately, the problem is worse than just disconnecting from the extended family. There are approximately 15 million single mothers in the United States, with many fathers only fleetingly involved in their children’s lives.
The external factor that we have no control over
It is also worth recognizing that sometimes this paternal bond is not possible. My paternal grandmother died before I was born, and my paternal grandfather died when I was five. I really wish I could remember and know them both, and at least know what their voices sounded like. That’s why it makes me so sad to know that many children don’t know their paternal grandparents, despite them being alive, available and healthy.
But this doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to reconnect. In my 30s, I went on a mission of discovery to learn as much as I could about my paternal grandfather and mother, including all the good and the bad. I learned that my grandfather was a heroic World War II pilot, and that his wife, my grandmother, died in her 30s, choking at a dinner party, when no one knew the Heimlich maneuver. My grandfather raised my father and siblings from then on, never remarried, but still got the job done the right way. I also found out that he was a hard-nosed man who ran a tight ship, and that’s probably where my dad got it from.
Take time to reconnect with the missing side of your family. Otherwise, it can often feel like something is missing in your life. Rediscovering these histories, and the people who are still there, can be an almost spiritual experience, one that makes you whole again.
Additionally, for the men reading this, if you are getting ready to have a child with your partner, consider taking advantage of paternity leave. During a twenty-year study, researchers found that approximately 273,000 women were on maternity leave at any given time. And although men usually took a few days off after a birth, it was and is very rare that they took paternity leave.
The missed opportunity
The unfortunate thing is that many companies now offer paternity leave and many men choose not to take it, despite it being proven to help build a more egalitarian parenting relationship early on, bringing with it cascading benefits for the whole family brings. The woman will feel less like she is working a second shift after she gets home from work, and more like she has an embedded partner who helps support the family.
I know several men who felt it wasn’t ‘manly’ to take paternity leave, so they opted out. But one man I know who did it was extremely grateful, and his marriage definitely improved for it. This leave of absence not only gave him more time to spend with their child, it also gave him time to take the baby to his extended family and build an early relationship with them.
Research has shown that knowing your extended family better, learning their history and playing a role in the lives of these loved ones can contribute to well-being, happiness and overall life satisfaction. It’s like adding layers of love, which never hurts.
It can also help make up for missing numbers in your life. Even if the father is not present, his parents are likely to want to be involved in their grandchild’s life and are eager to help out and even play the role of babysitter – which can be crucial in the grueling early years.
Why this topic? Why now?
As a writer, it has never been my goal to teach people how to get rich, make money writing, or even tell them what they want to hear. It has always been to promote empathy and show better paths through life. The world is full of division, fear and people who feel lost. Family and real bonds can help replace much of what is missing.
Years ago I surveyed 5,000 readers about their biggest regrets in life. More than a few results involved some form of, “I wish I had taken the time to get to know my estranged family members.”
Or, “I wish I had gotten to know my father’s side of the family before they died.”
Family is an incredible gift that should never be taken for granted. It takes time, patience and effort to maintain these bonds. But if you don’t, you might regret what you missed, which was always fully available.
To the men seeing this: get involved, stay involved, and show your kids your side of the family too. Both families are important.
